Good Morning, students, and welcome to the first day of the 2014-2015 school year at Bruce Campbell High School. We know its going to be another good year, because it has been commanded by the school board. A few quick announcements this morning before you start your new classes. First, all incoming freshmen should have already been deloused and given the customary Freshmen Indoctrination. If you have not, you should be experiencing shunning from your peers. Please report immediately to the Nurse’s office.

An important notice: All bathrooms on the lower level are out of order this morning. Also, all the bathrooms on the upper level. There is, in fact, only one working bathroom. Let us know when you find it.

The Athletics department is holding open tryouts this afternoon for all of its sports teams. If you have previously been a member of a team, or have previously tried out for a team, they are not interested. Coach Utah says they want winners this year. Or, just a win of some kind. Even if it’s just by default.

The student newspaper will be publishing its first edition since winning the First Amendment lawsuit against the school board last year. That will come out on Thursday. As a reminder, any student caught in possession of said newspaper will be expelled.

The hunt for Principal Von Trapp continues. If you have any information regarding his whereabouts, please write it down on an inconspicuous piece of paper and leave it under the door of Room 144, which is not the clandestine office for the school newspaper.

On a related note, if you see Principal Von Trapp on campus, be aware that this is almost certainly an impostor. The Principal never allows himself to be seen by common school children, even when he is not missing. Several students have been lured in to this faux Von Trapp’s trap and said he was quite pleasant and attentive. Again, not the real Principal, just a sad farce of the man we fear.

That appears to be it for this morning’s announcements. Thank you for reading. Your teacher will be around shortly to loosen the restraints and you can begin your day of forced learning. If you have any questions, or something to be added to the announcements, please keep them to yourself.

Have a productive day, students. Go Deadites!