Good morning, students! I’m your Vice Principal Betty Johnson and these are a few important announcements.

Last week was the first week of the new school year and it was a complete and utter disappointment. We have petitioned to have that week removed from existence and expect an answer shortly. In the meantime, you are not allowed to discuss last week or the things that you may or may not have done in that period of time. If you are having trouble forgetting, please visit the Nurse’s Office immediately.

The school flag has been recovered from the evil Boys Soccer Team after their heist in the Past Span of Time That Shall Not Be Named. It is now under lock-and-key in the basement. Students will be led down one at a time to salute the flag and swear an undying oath to it. Please take your place in line as soon as the announcements are done.

Now, I’d like you to join me in welcoming our new Guidance Counselor to BCHS. Miss Bella Nomer comes to us after a brief tenure at West Acres Psychiatric Hospital and, before that, an even briefer tenure as in-house psychiatrist at Apparent Progress Incorporated. She told me this morning, by way of a post-it note on my computer screen, that she is very excited about being able to participate in the educational system. I’ve already had two sessions with her myself and I can tell you that I feel emotionally and mentally healthier.

In other news, you may notice an increase in Hall Monitors this week. Don’t be alarmed. We are quickly closing in on the secret location of the student newspaper, as the School Board has requested, and we should have them shut down within the next day or two. After that, the Hall Monitor presence should decrease to its normal level. Also, armed Monitors are only temporary.

Although Principal Von Trapp is still missing, I did receive the following voicemail over the weekend. I tried to return the call using the number on the caller ID, but the automated voice told me it was an invalid number, the effort was hopeless and that Sprint loves me.

Here is the message:

“Hi, Betty, this Victor. I’m not going to be there this week, the same way that I have not been there for many, many weeks now. I have… the stomach flu. Yes, the flu has taken up residence in my stomach and I cannot be present because of this fact. Please don’t come looking for me! I mean, you know, because of the chicken pox. Or, no, what did I say I had? Yes, the flu. Don’t come looking for me because I have the flu. Nothing to be concerned about. Also, I probably won’t be there two weeks from now. I may not be anywhere. (presumably to someone else) Is that good enough? How did that sound –”

So, as you can see Principal Von Trapp is simply out sick and there is no need to be concerned. Nurse Bull asks that if you, too, have the stomach flu that presents as chicken pox, or some combination or variation thereof, please report to the Sterile Room in the Nurse’s Office immediately.

That concludes this morning’s announcements. Remember, all questions and concerns should be directed at your peers in a barely audible whisper and nowhere in the vicinity of the Hall Monitors.

Have a productive day, students. Go Deadites!